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"If you're wondering if I want you too..."

I love Weezer!

They make me so happy.

It's easy for me to be happy but also so eay for me to pretend I am happy.

For I am the most awkward person on Earth.

Even if you really can't see it.

I am too insecure.

I hide way too much.

Instead of writing here I have been writing in my journals.

I filled one up. WOOT!

Started a new one, that will one day be full too.

I have been freaking out easily.

A single scream may drive me crazy.

School, is all good.

But making me feel stupid.

Being in a smart class makes my GPA feel lonely and embarrassed.

Really, it wants to hide for all those overachievers.

Sure, they may look all nice, but what do they really think of me.

I am doing good in the class.

I have a B aka an A.

I am trying not to find younger boys cute.

I fail at that.

I am stage manager.

I am not sure if I am doing good, but I am sure trying.

I hate that I feel envy.

Yes, I am envious.

My anxieties are overwhelming me.

Fear of my future.

Fear of failing.

Fear of loosing people.

Fear of feeling stupid.

Fear of feeling pointless.

Should I make the list go on?

No, it's too depressing.

I know it is.

It makes me crazy.

I am a looooon.

The arts save me.

I love art.

I love movies.

I love inspiring, cool, nice, shy, short, tall, people.

But I will always feel awkward around the new ones.

Or even my friends.

I am forever out of place.

Forever the puzzle piece that does not fit in.

That is I.

I have always been that little piece.

I am usually good at hiding it.

What is happening to me?

All my fears attacking me at once.

Why now?

Why oh why, do I hide it all?

I don't want people to worry, yet I want them to care.

I want to be loved.

Omg, what up with the angst.

I thought I lost all of that in 9th grade.

I guess, it will follow me forever.

Even if I have it better than some.

I know it's true.

It makes me keep trying.

Along with a lot of things.

For I am an optimistic, missed with some realistic views.

But I have my pessimistic moments.

Horrid moments that overrun me for weeks, days or just hours.

See my mind is wild.

It never stops.

Never.

Really.

It's always doing something.

Thinking.

Breathing.

Dreaming.

Fearing.

Remembering.

Until the day I die.

I hope that will take it's time to come.

Really, I need to live.

I need to see my greatest day, moment, friend, love and thought.

I will.

I will.