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Always

I always hoped for it this way

as I stayed wishing by the bay

I hoped for a romance

for the love of glance

I always hoped for it this way

I wanted someone like him

to make everything less dim

One that could show me the light

to make me loose all fright

I always hoped for it this way

I wanted someone to scare my fears

Someone I wish I could hear

One voice that brought jumps of joy

Even just a voice that could not annoy

I always hoped for it this way

I wanted someone that made me lost

Love that was lost with no cost

Lost with no fear of breaking down

Someone that always lost my frown

I always hoped for it this way

But this is all just a dream

My imagination in a stream

He will only be one stare

One that was always too fair

I always hoped for it this way

as I stayed wishing by the bay

Always trying to define myself.

hopelessly lost

lonely

romantic

realist

optimistic

dreamer

sad

happy

pessimistic

I am all of these.... all my different moons.

Oh Dear.

You know when you go somewhere and you notice someone.

Someone new and very different to you. Someone with something remarkable. Something that will not leave until another comes along. Oh dear, that has happened to me. Mr.Puppyeyedblonde, that is now his name. I may never know his name, but his stare will forever be known to me.

Mr.Puppyeyedblonde

Saw him once

Noticed little

Saw him twice

Noticed more

Saw him thrice

Now he's stuck

Lost in my mind

His stare, his eyes

Who is he?

I'm not sure

But his stare

is now mine

in my brain

locked forever

Who is he?

that is the question

Never.

I never hoped for it this way

as I stayed wishing by the bay

I hoped for a romance

not a fear of glance

I never hoped for it this way

I did not want it with him

I wanted one less dim

One that could show me the light

to make me loose all fright

I never hoped for it this way

I did not want so much fear

I wanted someone I wanted to hear

One voice that brought jumps of joy

Not a voice that brought to much noise

I never hoped for it this way

I wanted someone that made me lost

Love that was lost with no cost

not lost in fear of breaking down

Not someone that only brought a frown

I never hoped for it this way

But what can I do to not break him

I can't tell him the truth too dim

that he will never be the one I want

that he's not the one that I dreamt

I never hoped for it this way

as I stayed wishing by the bay

Mother.

the scream came out from the living room

random threats all in one boom

my mother thinks I hear it

I do, but I ignore it

She always seems to scream

later acting different than it seems

showing me too much love

like it all came from up above

Then it goes back to shouts

about me not cleaning and other bouts

Sometimes I can't stand them

but then she returns to a happy hem

I love her all of these ways

not matter what I say

she is my only mother

always better than my father

Too Fairy Tale

Even if the Sun may burn me

in this light you look so keenly

My insecurities burn a hole

hiding just like a mole

but you seem to help me out

with that smile loosing doubt

my heart is flying way too high

but I never stop to wonder why

something about us is too fairy tale

but you won't find me looking for bail

when our time comes to an end

I will wait for dreams to descend

Bright Star

Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art

Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art-- Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night And watching, with eternal lids apart, Like nature's patient, sleepless Eremite, The moving waters at their priestlike task Of pure ablution round earth's human shores, Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask Of snow upon the mountains and the moors-- No--yet still stedfast, still unchangeable, Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast, To feel for ever its soft fall and swell, Awake for ever in a sweet unrest, Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath, And so live ever--or else swoon to death. John Keats I must watch the movie!!!!!

RECAPP!

"If you're wondering if I want you too..."

I love Weezer!

They make me so happy.

It's easy for me to be happy but also so eay for me to pretend I am happy.

For I am the most awkward person on Earth.

Even if you really can't see it.

I am too insecure.

I hide way too much.

Instead of writing here I have been writing in my journals.

I filled one up. WOOT!

Started a new one, that will one day be full too.

I have been freaking out easily.

A single scream may drive me crazy.

School, is all good.

But making me feel stupid.

Being in a smart class makes my GPA feel lonely and embarrassed.

Really, it wants to hide for all those overachievers.

Sure, they may look all nice, but what do they really think of me.

I am doing good in the class.

I have a B aka an A.

I am trying not to find younger boys cute.

I fail at that.

I am stage manager.

I am not sure if I am doing good, but I am sure trying.

I hate that I feel envy.

Yes, I am envious.

My anxieties are overwhelming me.

Fear of my future.

Fear of failing.

Fear of loosing people.

Fear of feeling stupid.

Fear of feeling pointless.

Should I make the list go on?

No, it's too depressing.

I know it is.

It makes me crazy.

I am a looooon.

The arts save me.

I love art.

I love movies.

I love inspiring, cool, nice, shy, short, tall, people.

But I will always feel awkward around the new ones.

Or even my friends.

I am forever out of place.

Forever the puzzle piece that does not fit in.

That is I.

I have always been that little piece.

I am usually good at hiding it.

What is happening to me?

All my fears attacking me at once.

Why now?

Why oh why, do I hide it all?

I don't want people to worry, yet I want them to care.

I want to be loved.

Omg, what up with the angst.

I thought I lost all of that in 9th grade.

I guess, it will follow me forever.

Even if I have it better than some.

I know it's true.

It makes me keep trying.

Along with a lot of things.

For I am an optimistic, missed with some realistic views.

But I have my pessimistic moments.

Horrid moments that overrun me for weeks, days or just hours.

See my mind is wild.

It never stops.

Never.

Really.

It's always doing something.

Thinking.

Breathing.

Dreaming.

Fearing.

Remembering.

Until the day I die.

I hope that will take it's time to come.

Really, I need to live.

I need to see my greatest day, moment, friend, love and thought.

I will.

I will.

I write.

Pain pain poam ooow

I am not going to care how my grammar looks.

Oh dear I won't since I AM NERVOUS AND IN PAIN.

I hate PMS and waiting for Cast Lists.

And I did not get a part.

Am I fine with this? Yes

Am I hurt by this? Yes

Will anyone see it? Hopefully no

Well I am going to be Stage Manager!

Hopefully!

My End

the year has come

the last of the four

now I am grown

matured in many ways

yet still immature in many more

still lost in procrastination

still lost in her stupidity

hiding from her own intelligence

since when that day comes

when I find that last drop

I will be gone

just a flower on the earth

creating other flowers

as the animals steal my nectar

passing trough the high sky

I just wonder "My Oh My"

my end became many

many new things soon to end

but first they create more

feeding others

humans, animals, plants and bugs

everything seems so snug

yet I watch in all the glory

seeing the Earth be true beauty

being only a stop

in the Circle of Life

so my end, becomes the begining

That is what I say

with those songs from up above

lost in all that stupid love

can I give a stupid chance

could I even give a true glance

since I am I

lost as a fly

never saw a ugly sky

to lost in "What if"

to stubborn to even frock

maybe just listen to a rock

since my eyes are drooping

my heart is melting

among those that are too lost

dancing to the lovely tunes

I am too still

too smart to dance

yes, that is what I say

but what want

oh so much want

wanting to dance

with those that prance

that fairylike dance

should I really give it a chance

this is why I stand

they are lost in the song

I lost in the thought

too smart to dance

yes, that is what I say

My Turn

This is a night

where nothing is right

thinking of those that have gone wrong

all those I still walk among

hoping on the future

to never see murder

to walk with the few

that see it all new

my fear is going

never showing

dreams colliding

some are dyeing

I might just hide

Lost in this bind

confused about things religious

all too presumptuous

still glued to the fear

of always being the dear

lost in front of the headlights

lost behind all those frights

it has to be a new start

stop being afraid of the sharks

for it is my time to jump

even if the fall lands me a bump

it is time for me to show the truth

to get out of all this goo

that has hidden me from you

time for one to become two

the one that hides

the one that will shine

for I am many

see it all perfectly

Hiding it from the Moon

the mother too all that swoon

who gives us love

from up above

Hiding it from the Sun

the father to all the fun

keeping a smile upon the face

that always has a special place

now it's my turn to swoon

to finally see the Moon

to stop hiding

and to stop running

now it's my turn for some fun

to bum around in the open Sun

to finally give this face

some kind of special place

It is my turn

no need to fear

no need to worry

to hide, to run

It is my turn

my turn, my turn.