October 14, 2011

Chapter 4

Silence broke suddenly. Joey laughed. Histerically.

“Why are you laughing?” I asked with a smile.

“I hate silence,” he wispered in my ear, and then began to run. And for some reason I followed. I ran beside him laughing. Histerically. Everyone began to follow along. Also laughing like hyenas.It was fun. Rivetting, in fact. We felt free. We were free. Alone.

And then I remembered: were we really alone?

The first time I entered that fortest I did not feel alone. I felt like I was being watched. But this time something was different. I really was not alone, but I felt alone. So alone yet surrounded by people. Joey and I kept smiling at eachother. Something was different. I was different. I was happier. I was free. I was american. Ha, yes that was it.

I started to imagine eagles flying along our sides. They were not really there, I knew it, but I still saw them. But then I saw something else. Something I’ve seen before. A girl. Me. Just standing there in the woods, watching back at us. Like a ghost. Then I began to laugh again. What bull. That was not me. It’s just my head.

Chapter 3

As the trees began to endulge us, we were silent. No one saying a thing, but the breath of eachother’s lungs. I was still not done with my cig. My fag. My lover. My medicine. I had chosen not to bring any of my anti depressants. I was with friends, some that did not know I was SAD. Really sad. Only two of them knew: Joey and Steph. They were the only ones that knew that I once came to this forest for a different reason. They were the only ones that knew that I had tried to give up. But at that moment in which I was so close to giving up, something told me to stop. Something told me to not give up. So I left the forrest. Promised to never return.

I broke my promise. I broke it for them. For the thing that was pulling me back in.

Chapter 2

It was time to go. Something told me not to go, but I had to go, because at the same time something was pulling me in. Something made me have to go. The wind was blowing strong. The trees began to mosh. Like a mosh pit at a concert. Kind of like the mosh pit you would imagine at a Wavves concert. WAVES. A mosh pit that resembeled waves.

“Grab your bags, everyone,” said Steph grabbing her Care Bear duffle bag. I grabbed my cat shaped backpack, and my 80’s Barbie duffle bag, and began to walk. Slowly, but surely. I just followed. Walked behind everyone else. The grass was still squishy. Squishy and squishier as you walked closer. As though there was a pond we were about to step into.

I wanted to smoke, I brought two packs, just in case. But I knew it was not a good time to smoke. But my body was nervous. It needed one.

“Hey, do you guys mind if I smoke as we walk?” I asked.

Some of them stared at me like WTF no?

But Steph nodded in approval, and asked to join. So did Joey. He always smoked along with me. He and Steph were my smoke buddies. They were the only ones that actually approved. Kitty did not care, but she would never try one. It was not her thing. She was too much of a goody two shoes. I used to be a goody two shoes, when I still had a God. When I used to pray everynight. “Please God, don’t let anything baad happen to my family, my friends, my pets, and everything I care for,” is what I used to say. Sometimes when I was really scared I still said it. This reminded me of my parents. Of their preiching. Of how my father goes to church twice a week: once for himself, and once to makeup for me not going. He was afraid of me going to Hell. He was afraid of himself going to Hell. My whole family was afraid. That’s why they still believed. It was there ticket to heaven. It was there ticket to a longer life. A happier life. But what was my ticket? I did not need a ticket. I had my own faith. Faith in myself, and faith in the world. Though it was awful. Dreadful at times. But I still kept faith. I had to. It’s the reason I never called myself an athiest. I couldn’t. After years of believing something sticked. Believing in something stuck. Let it be myself, the world, or superstitions.

I kept thinking about what they qwere talking about. The clown. The suicides. I felt like everyone who had died in htat forest was watching us. I felt like the Clown was waiting for us. He had to be. But part of knew none of this made sense. How could they be watching us? How could he be real? How could he still be alive? How could I be so foolish to believe?

But sometimes faith attacks you. You believe the foolish, because something inside you forces you. Something inside of you pulls you in. Just like the forest was pulling me in. I believed in the forest. I knew it was there, but that’s different. That’s realism.

Let nothing bad happen.

Please let nothing bad happen.

Chapter 1

Here I stand, ready to embark on a somewhat rivetting adventure. But it’s cold. Really fucking cold. There’s a frightening breeze that sounds like a screech. It feels harsh, but somehow soothing. There’s a bristle in the trees that reminds me that that is my future. Those trees will soon be my home. They will surround me, and they will save me.

I am just standing, no movement needed.Waiting for something. Anything. Not saying a word, but my friends, they are loud. They are screaming, not like monkeys, but more like lost souls, telling me random things. Like how there has been murders in those trees. Someone says that the trees are alive, and that they will snatch you as soon as you stand on their turf. They tell the story of the suicides that go down in the forest. About the thousands of people that just come to this same forest to die. How back in the 1800’s people would desert their dying family members there. They talk about the myth of Circus Andy, a clown that came to town during a festival back in the 20’s. One day he was being laughed at by some kids, and for some reason he went mad. Just went stabbing along, as though clowns are not meant to be laughed at. They say how he ran away into a abondoned cabin in the forest, and lives there to this very day. And when he hears laughter he comes back out to stab again. Which does not make much sense, because if they knew where he was wouldn’t they have caught him? Then again the cops are pretty stupid in this town of Saintsville. They rarely catch anyone, but not much happens here. Only a ton of suicides, that echo in the streets. They repeat multiple times that Saintsville has the most suicides in the country. But me: Silence. I am listening to them, but honestrly trying to ignore them, because all their doing is freaking me more out.

I am trying to listen to the things around me. To the bristling trees that remind me of the sounds crowds make at concerts. Swaying. Slowly. Feels like a dream. Not one of those trippy wtf is going on dreams, but one of those perfect dreams where everything just fits. Almost like it’s reality, but it’s so much better. Then there is the grass below my size 8 feet. This green and slightly oramge grass that reminds you that fall is near. They make a squishy sound. God, they even feel squishy. Squishy. Squishy. Squishy grass. It feels like it rained in the near past. I begin to sway like the trees. Like the crowds at the concerts. My friends begin to make fun of me.

“Why are you just standing there?” Says Stephanie, whom is my best friend since kindergarten. She is model pretty, tall, thin, long wavy blonde hair, and doll faced. Always being told she looks like Allison Harvard, but really they are total oppostites. She’s a little strange, and little slutty, but I love her. Dressing in black jean short shorts that barely cover her ass, black tights, and a striped tank top. Even in this weather she dresses as though it is summer, but in her mesh backpack she failed at hiding a jacket. Everyone was wearing stripes. It was the theme of the day. Done especially so we would not get lost.

“Have you forgotten how to talk?” says Joey with his to his shoulders black hair. His eyes were large and green, and he was sweet. I secretly had a crush on him, and apparently he secretly had one on me, but we did nothing about it. We were too scared, but I planned to make my move of this very adventure. But my head was telling me no, yet my heart was telling me go.

“Remember it’s just one syllable at a time” says George with his hands in my face. George was a chubby boy. Loved his pizza, but all of us loved pizza. Pizza was the thing. We worshiped it. We call our group of 6 pizzatarians.

“Then some sounds” says Ezra moving his hands in a mystical jazz hand menover. Ezra was a muscian, and always brought is vintage guitar from the 60’s along. It was signed by Lou Reed. Now he worshiped Lou Reed. Well Lou and pizza. Ezra has short curly hair, and dressed as though he was from the 60’s.

“And then, all of the sudden,”says Jane, a great silence followed and then loudly and out of the blue, “WORDS.” Jane was a tad punk. You know as punk as you can get in 2011. Which isn’t very punk. I like believe punk died after the 80’s, but she would crucify me if I told her. Her favorite bands include: The Ramones, Violent Femmes, and Nirvana. She has short horizontal black hair, and always wore red lipstick.

“Ha,” I say still standing there, “don’t worry about me.”

“That’s hard,” said the final friend Kitty. Kitty is not her real name, but she does love cats. Like really loves cats. She has five: Cat Stevens, Luna, Salem, Moodshadow, and Daria.

“That’s what she said,” I say, smirking.

“Ha ha, but really,” she says with a stern serious face, as though we were not just joking around a minute ago.

“Yeah, we worry a lot,” says Steph widening her eyes..

“Like about this grass,” says Jane looking at the grass as though it was the enemy.

“Yeah, it’s so squishy,” says Joey tapping his feet..

“It might just ruin my shoes,” says Ezra looking at his feet.

“Oh no, not your 50 dollar shoes,” says Kitty in the most scarcastic tone of voice you can imagine.

I sniffle. Trying to remember if I brought clinex or not.

“It might just all be a lie,” says Steph

“We might just fall into nothingness,” says Joey in a very soft tone.

“Everything is nothingness,” I say looking at the grass.

“Ooh deep, ” says Ezra doing that hand thing again. He does it a lot.

“Deeper than the darkness that awaits us in that forest,” says Jane.

I smirk. Remember I did bring some clinex.

I love my friends. They always force me out of my comfort zone. Just the other week they forced me to go to a club. Most bazarre thing ever. I danced, yes, but I did not know what I was doing.I felt like a bafoon, and probably looked like one. I even tried dancing with Joey, but we both got so nervous that it just turned into Twilight Zone.

I begin to sneeze, a deep relaxing, but distraughting sneese. They all look at me. The trees shift. The grass shuffles. And my friends laugh. Then there are even birds, flying, but still noticing everything I do. The way I breath deeply and athsmatic. As though it’s the last breath I will ever have. Who knows, it might just be. They notice the way my hair shines green in the light, and slowly ruffles. With those few frizzy strands blowing in the breeze. My feet unable to stop moving, because I am nervous. I am scared. I am impatient. You can see it on my skin. My face. My bones.

My face is squinting, my mouth is slightly opened, and my nose is in distress. Allergies. Evil and wretchid allerigies. I should have taken my medicine, but I worried that taking it would waste my time. We begin to slowly shift. I move last. Wait for them to be infront of me. I just follow. Like a lost dog. One thick leg in front of the other. “Time for adventure,” is all I can think.

Prologue

Today I am parched, and everything is moving slowly. I am sitting in my bright green room, that is covered with vintage posters of bands like The Velvet Underground, Janis Joplin, and not so vintage Bright Eyes. My desk is cluttered with empty green tea bottles, and blank papers. Some papers have pictures of cats on them, and there is even a few filled out applications that I have been too freaked to turn in.

Yesterday was another glim day for me, but somr what exciting. I was through the tree filled streets. Took a right turn of Mathew’s Street into the appartment filled streets that are covered in ancient cars, all for sale. Took a left by the bowling ally, and another right on El Romano walked straight past the grave yard, that only reminds me how short life really is. And another right when I got to the mall. There I walked through all the starbucks, and chinese retaurants and companies until I passed Best Sale and got to the Beauty Store. Bought bleach, and a few cans of blue hair dye. And walked straight back home. I attempted to dye my hair blue, and that did not work. I bleached it for too short of a time, and it looks green. Well, fuck it I like it.

Another, fuck it situation. This summer I liked a guy, a lot. Like a lot a lot. I did nothing about it, but I’ve liked him for 6 years. Since high school. I am now in college. Saintsville college. HORRIBLE COLLEGE. Classes are huge, like 700 people per class. I never have had a single conversation with a single of my teachers. I don’t even think they know who I am, but one at least. One teacher that loved me. He told me I was a wonderful writer. Always wrote the best notes on my stories. He made me realize I was a good writer. He made me realize that all the people in high school that thought I sucked were wrong. He gave me confidence. I love that guy.

Today I am supposed to go camping with my best friends. CAMPING. ME. BAD IDEA. I hate the outdoors, but at the same time I kind of love it. I would probably like it more if it had internet conection. I respect nature. In a world without God, you learn to.

The other day I had a conversation with my parents about God, it did not go well.

“GOD, GOD IS EVERYTHING,” they said. They then began preaching to me reasons why I should believe in God.

“Without God the sky is darker,’ my mother said with a crooked dark smile.

“Without God life is shorter” my father said breathing deeply through his smoke infested lungs.

“Without God life is grimmer,” my mother said while glarring at my Grateful Dead poster.

“Without God there is no soul,” said my father said as a tiny piece of hair fell from his already bald head.

“Without God your soul is sad,” said my mother as though she did not hear the last comment.

Why would my soul be happier if I believed in God? But what is a soul, no one can give me a real answer. They just say it’s something we all have. Something that makes us us, and controls us. I personally always thought that was our brain, but whatever. But God, idk. I just think that God is something they need so they can have faith in something, but I don’t need a God, because I have faith in myself.

I don’t really know where I am going with this, I just know I want to write. That’s it. I want to write. So I am bringing this journal with me to this camping adventure so I can write about everything that happens around me. Like how write now I am just in my room, sitting, writing, doing nothing but that. Well thinking, a lot.

The other day I had a conversation with Sam about this adventure.

“Do I really have to go?” I asked.

“If you don’t you will regret it for the rest of your life, “ she told me with a stern face.

She’s right.

August 14, 2011

The Couple Lived Happily Ever After Until She Called Him A Pig Mongler

The little girl was not good with boys

She hit them

Hated them

Ran away from them

The big girl was not good with boys

She was awkward

She was shy

She worried too much about them

But there was a boy just like her

He was awkward

He was shy

He worried too much about girls

But when they met

Everything was set

Bring On The Emotions

Nothing making me happy like you do

Though at the same time you make me nervous

You bring on the emotions that have been hidden for years

You bring on the emotions that have never seen the sun

You bring on the emotions that I’ve always been afraid of

But I don’t care

I don’t care

I like them

I need them

They make me a better person

They make me forget the negative

They make me hopeful

Yet at the same time they make me scared

Yet at the same time they make me worried

Yet at the same time they make me think about everything you said

Over and over again

But I don’t care

I don’t care

What's On My Mind?

You you

You you

You you

You

You

You you you

You

You

You you

You

Ever Since You Gave Me A Chance

The trees,

They move differently

The sky,

Is a different shade of blue

Jewerey,

It shines differently

Music,

It’s all about you

The Curse

I hate being alone

But with life comes loneliness

August 13, 2011

Honey, I Think I Am Over Reacting

What if you only want me because she did not want you

What if you don’t like me the way I like you

What if all the things I thought you said were not what you said

What if all those inuendos weren’t

What if I am going crazy while you stay sane

What if you are already crazy me for me

What if you don’t lust me

What if you don’t want me to around

What if everything’s a lie

What if I am taking this all the wrong way

What if I am over reacting

What if I am going to fast

What if I have liked you since that first time

What if I used to notice you in a crowd

What if I think I could love you

What if I already love you

No no no

What if I am scared?

Aliens Upduct People, Just Like Thoughts

Thoughts taking over my head

Everything you did

You think you spoke

All of it

Stuck

On Repeat

I don’t know what to do

I am scared

I want to tell you

I want tou to know

I want you

But how am I to get you

How am I to say it?

I want you

I need you

Inside me

Around me

Maybe not inside me yet

That kind of scares me

Yet at the same time,

I want it

You

June 18, 2011

The Thoughts That Keep Me Alive

The only thing I have is the future
The thought of growing old
The thought that there is more to this than now
The thought of the money I will have
The thought of moving out of this hell
The thought of the lovers I will fuck
The thought of all the lovers I will love
The thought of the stories I will write
The thought of the poems I will preach
The thoughts that take away the chills
It’s all that still holds me to the earth
Keeps a slight smile on my face
All that keeps me sane
All that keeps me alive

June 09, 2011

But I don't know what story to write.
I just wish I could write stories again.
I miss San Francisco.
Said the one that lives in South San Francisco.
I don't want to do anything today.

June 07, 2011

Summer.

My summers have never been anything exciting. They have always consisted of me doing the same things:
  1. Sitting around doing nothing.
  2. Reading.
  3. Writing.
  4. Going to Mexico.
  5. And, rarely, hanging out with friends.
But this summer I am not going to let that happen. I am going to change that, no matter what. And so far I have changed that. I have been hanging out with my friends a lot more. Reading and writing a lot less, which is not a good thing. And actually going to events. I have even been trying to get a job, but I suck and no one wants to hire me. Well actually people want to hire me until they meet me. There must be something wrong with me. I don't think I am ugly? I always dress nice. I speak as well as I can. I am honest, but I just probably suck. I must suck. I know I probably do. What other reason must there be? Oh, you mean the reason that there are other people trying to get jobs, and most of these people have more experience than I will ever dream of? Do you mean that? Yeah. Maybe. But everyone keeps telling me that. I don't want to believe it. I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT I SUCK. Though I recently got a great opportunity to be a part of this wonderful art group. So I guess I don't completely suck. I am just getting more opportunities when it comes to my writing, and that is a lot more important than getting a retail job. Though I need money. I am sick of borrowing money. I am sick of using my savings account. I am just sick. Literally, at the moment, sick. There is gallons of blood gushing out of me right now. It's quite disgusting. But it's the curse of being a woman. It's a curse that people ignore talking about, but I think everyone should just talk about it. It's not that gross. It's part of life. It's part of existence. Part of the cycle of life. Without it we would not have children, and human life would life would stop. People rarely think about it that way, they just think it's gross. And it's not that gross. You know, it's just a dead baby spilling out of your vagina. Ha. It's kind of gross.

June 06, 2011

Running.

I hate running. I am not the running type. I like walking. Slowly. Really slowly. Incredibly slowly. You get the point, slowly. I also like cupcakes. Today my mother and I made cupcakes. Vanilla cupcakes with nuts and chocolate on top. Yummy stuff. I tried one, and it tasted like heaven smothered in chocolate. Yep. Smothered. As if I had gone mad and had decided to murder the cupcake. I also, recently, have been obsessed with trimming my bangs. Making them incredibly short, and straight. It's great. It's wonderful. I fucking fantastical. This weekend was a big weekend. I went to my brother's big art show, stood in awe at the height of where the paintings stood. I stood there filled of insight. Wondering the meaning of life, which is 42, and viewing each painting for not only what it was, but what it wasn't. I am imagined the paintings coming to life, and attacking me. I imagined the movement the artist portrayed. I imagined the lies that were hidden inside. I stood in awe. I stood in imagination. And there I met a guy. Yes, I did, but it turned out he was my brother's age, and therefore too old for me. I have such bad luck. I need good luck. I need a job too, but that is another place in which I am unlucky. I sat all day today awaiting a phone call. A phone call that never came. Here I sat. Here I sit, trying to cure writer's block.

April 25, 2011

Speaking of Sex - a bit of a story I was writing.

We just slept after that. Nothing happened, and I am pretty happy nothing happened, because, honestly, I was not ready. Then again how do you know when you are “ready?” Does your vagina wake up one day and then suddenly it tells you that it is “ready?” Or do you just know? Or do people mean that they are so horny that they finally just want to fucking get it over with?
Maybe it’s something simpler. Like one day you look at the guy you're with and just know that he will take of you and won’t be a mistake. Then again that is not very simple. Quite complicated actually.

April 09, 2011

Panic! At The Disco's "Vices and Virtues"

I used to be an incredibly large Panic! At The Disco fan. Completely devoted to the words they sung, but this album just killed it for me. I am not going to say it's horrible, because it has good moments. But I can't listen to it all the way through. I skip along and/or just hate myself for not enjoying it. It really does have moments. Like the beginning of "The Ballad of Mona Lisa," which has such a great beat that it gives me hope, but as the song goes on that hope disappears. It's those "woah"s that help it disappear. It reminds me of thousands of other pop rock songs. It irks me to not like it, because I want to like it. I want to love it. Scream with utter fucking joy at it's brilliance, but I can't do that. Like I said before, it does have many great moments. The song "Sarah Smiles" kind of sorta reminds me of "Pretty. Odd." , but it still can't not beat a single song from that CD. "Vice and Virtues" breaks my heart.

Standing

There

Alone

In a

Lonely

Alley way

Thinking about

You

Thinking about

Life

Here it comes

Here

It

Goes

A moment of clarity

March 24, 2011

The Woman Who Saw Everything As It Was

The young woman was always gloomy

“But it’s okay”

Her therapist would say

“Everyone has bad weeks”

But she had bad months

No, she had a bad life

But things were okay in the end

She had books to help her hide

She had friends that pretended to care

She had that one hat with the feather

And an amazing sense of realism

That she knew not everyone had

Yet there was still something missing

Some piece to her that was just empty

About The Girl Who Never Wanted To Grow Up

I don’t want to grow up

I want to stay little forever

Stay a kid ‘till the end of time

Forget the future

Forget college


It’s all about the now

Ir’s all about the past

All about barbies

Unicorns and kittens


Leave me in my room

For the rest of my life

Never allow me to depart

I would not make a fus

I am great at being invisible


Now leave me be

Let my head take trips to the past

Imagine those days as a kid

Where everything was nice

Where everyone was innocent


Don’t let me go outside

Don’t let me see the truth

The loss of innocence

The hatred in their eyes

Just leave me here


Forever


About The Girl Who Had To Grow Up


So it’s time, you say

To finally become a big kid

To finally leave and be free

But what if I still don’t want to be free?

What if I want to stay here?

If the outside world brings me nightmares

What if I know I would be safer here?


About The Woman The Girl Became


I never leave the house

I sit here with my collections


I dream of the past

I dream of childhood


I never gave in to love

It was too grown up for me

But at least my cats love me


Gingerspip and Buttercup

Hello Kity and Hearty

They are my best friends


The only ones that understand

I wish I could understand them

I wish I could have changed something


But I

But I never gave in to the future

March 13, 2011

Dictionary

The grown man never cries

Instead he quaintly whimpers

Until he is cockeyed

But at least he is a healthy fellow

Starting a revolution in his own body

Coquetting the night away

In his medieval style

His life is like an episode

Of consequence that is considerable

Always on the breach of something

That is not about redemption

But like his brother in law always says

“Review the reverie! Review the reverie!”

Instead he forgets it, and keeps on living

Study Break Sonnet

A simple message from you drives me mad

Since I don’t know how to talk to you

But I want to talk

I want to know everything about you

I want to become a cliché with you

Hold hands in the park

Watch movies and have dinner

Have a perfect romance

A movie romance

Something that may never happen

I want to know you intimately

I want to know you personally

I want to believe that can we be something

But first I must learn how to speak

During Shakespeare Sonnet

Wishing I could get a cookie

Just because my head is light

Sleep is taunting me again

Though I had hours of it

I don’t understand my head

Why does it not leave me be?

I want to rest, and be rested

But no, I’m screwed to be tired

And sleeping on BART is not a choice

It is a fear that leaves me goose bumps

But this tired is taking over

It is making me no sense

If only I could sleep some more

But no time, no time at all

March 07, 2011

About the sonnets

Well for my Poetry Class I have to write a poem everyday, but I don't have enough time to do that. So I got a bit carried away, and wrote 4 write now.

Lifted Or The Sonnet Is In The Soil Keep Your Ear To The Ground is kind of a found poem, because I took lines from almost every song from Lifted Or The Story Is In The Soil Keep Your Ear To The Ground by Bright Eyes. Of course I added things my self, and made it make a tad of sense.

Dejala was created by putting my itunes on shuffle and putting titles of songs into a poem.

123 is also like a found poem, because half the lines were derived from lines from 7 different books, while the other half were from my head.

234 is a collage poem that came out of this poem that I wrote, but did not like:

When the sun dances high

Burning my fucking eye

Block the rays with my arms

But failure brings me harm

Block the rays with some shades

But only little does it fade

So I give up, and keep strutting along

Thinking about some random song

Wondering how horrible this day will go

Because this poem does not even know

How horrible of days I’ve had before

How my life is such a big bore

But it’s okay in the end

Totally godsend

Because things have to get better

Maybe I’ll find a nice sweater

Right, life just has to get swell

But for now all I know is farewell


Yep, that's where those came from.

234

When the sun dances high

Totally godsend

Burning my fucking eye

But it’s okay in the end

Block the rays with my arms

How my life is such a big bore

But failure brings me harm

How horrible of days I’ve had before

Block the rays with some shades

Because this poem does not even know

But only little does it fade

Wondering how horrible this day will go

Thinking about some random song

I give up, and keep strutting along

123

The old woman was a cunning dame

And a Storyteller of sorts

Until the day it returns, continuing

Speaking a never ending story

That Raymond was only half listening to

Because he never listens to the world

“It’s a shame, a shame”

Her ex-lover would say

But decisively in just that way

He would show off vintage photos

“She doesn’t look like a beast there”

She doesn’t look like a beast here

Nethertheless, there is always something horrifying

About the past, that still waits

Dejala

Don’t Fall Apart On Me Tonight

You are the Nicest Thing I know

And I don’t want to say Bye and Bye

So I hide myself in a Cocoon of lies

Pretending to be an Actor Out Of Work

But your Desire to leave never withdrawals

But I pretend I have a Heart Of A Lion

Creating a stronger Version of myself

But I Should Have Known Better

It’s Cool, We Can Still Be Friends

Forget the Cigarettes Wedding Bands

Making this sonnet About A Girl

Who keeps me on of the edge of Survival

That one girl I met at The Market

Lifted Or The Sonnet Is In The Soil Keep Your Ear To The Ground

Well the future got me thinking such awful thoughts

Animals laughing from the dark of the wilderness

Missing the frowns you never used to give

Please return, return to the person that you were

You wrote such pretty words that

Washed away the rumors and left the concrete truth

I know that I completed you

But men with purple hearts carry silver guns

You used to cut my nightmares out of paper

Created a book that sunk into the sand

Now you don’t even bother

To give a therapeutic smile

Please return, return to what you were

February 22, 2011

Sleeping Pills

And that is why I am tired

Because I don’t get enough sleep at night

Because I think way too much about things that don’t matter

Because there is so many other interesting things to do

Like read, write, fall in love, and maybe even break a heart

Because sleep is generally a waste of time

Because sleeping pills no longer work for me

Because that one show no longer airs in the day

Though it ruled the 90s and my childhood

Because the man on the moon is much happier than man on the sun

Because I drink far too much coffee just to keep me awake in class

Because at night the freaks come out

And the freaks are much more enjoyable than the squares

Because there is people out there dying for nothing

Because my pet rooster tends to forget what time the day begins

Because my mind twists and turns like rollercoasters

And I am deadly afraid of rollercoasters

Because it’s always daytime somewhere

Because there is something wrong with me

Because Sleep no longer desires my company

Although it lusts after me in the day time

Because there is people out there living for nothing

Because sleep seems far too similar to the end

Because I am full of contradictions

That never seem to leave me be

February 19, 2011

About "I Need A Mute Button."

Well I was supposed to write about a memory as though it was happening to me now. So I wrote about a memory of me being embarrassed and feeling like an idiot.

I Need A Mute Button

I should stop talking

Become a mute

Just sit here

Doodling

Cats and Dogs

Watching the Squirrels pass

Catching him in the corner

Of my eye


I should stop talking

Stick to writing

Just look at the pages

Laugh at his comments

Laugh at her comments

Laugh, laugh, and laugh

Become a perfect example

Of what all idiots should do

And never speak another word


I should stop talking

February 13, 2011

Poem of my week:

from If Not, Winter, Sappho translated by Anne Carson

I don't know what this is.

I am a cynic

But I need someone

Something

I am depressed

But I need happiness

Smiles

I am a mess

But I need order

February 12, 2011

+

Oh, apparently my poetry teacher really likes my poems, because she wants me to submit ALL OF THEM to the college's magazine. She also told me to wait 'till the last minute to turn them in, because the class is on Monday (which coincidentally is also the last day to submit things). I hate turning things in on the last minute. I like turning things in on the last FEW minutes.

About 4 Balloons

I pretty much had to go for a walk, and then write a poem about it.

4 Balloons


Confidently I walked toward nothing

Well actually I was going to the thrift store

But my head was up high

Almost up there with my favorite things

The playful clouds

At first I ignored my surrounding

Then I remembered

“I have to write a poem”

At that moment the world around me

Became real

The trees became humans

The houses elephants

The wind airplanes

And I kept on walking

As they followed me along

Tied to one elephant were 4 balloons

Reminding me I was really

Truthfully

Honestly

Alone

But I kept on walking,

Anyway

Distant Friend


I don’t know you very well

But I want to

I'm just afraid of everything you are

Of everything we could be

Though I know it might not happen

For now you are a friend

A distant friend

A new friend

Someone that could be more

But might just break me

Might just destroy what is left of me

But I am someone old

Only new to you

Someone who could destroy you

Crush you

Throw you on the floor

Demolish you

Yet we could become something

Beautiful

Amazing

Perfect

Something like a poem

A perfect sonnet

A perfect relationship

A perfect something

Anything

February 06, 2011

About "The Book"

Well the assignment for this week was to read these very descriptive pieces of poetry, and write something similar. I had no idea what to write so I ended up writing a fictional poem about a book. Not sure if I did it right, but I sure did try.

The Book

The book sits in a lonely state. Waiting for someone to come, pick it up, and just indulge in the reality inside.

The book that has fallen on the floor after someone chose another that was underneath. It has been ignored, skipped, and once again deserted. It does not pout, it does not cry. It just waits. See this book is older than all the others. It knows how to wait. It waited in a bookstore. It waited on a shelf. It waited in a thrift shop. It waited in a stack, and now it just waits on the unvacuumed floor. Next to it sits a hair clip, and by that an orange strand of string.

This book would not be so lonely if its owner would give it a chance, pick it up, and look inside. There she or he would find a world remarkable. A world of humor and wit, and of a wonderful romance. Nothing cliché. Nothing like that Twilight that the owner once so fond of. Something truthful, but for now it waits.

January 31, 2011

The Irrational Fear of Everything

I am afraid of everything

Of tomatoes and potatoes

How they can’t make up their minds


Of how my town is going to shit

Thanks to gangs with their pants too big

That kill because they want to,

Because they can, because it’s fun


Of how much hair that one guy has

Of how little my dad has

How one day I might just lose all my hair

Even though I am a woman


Afraid of music that gives me headaches

Like Little Wayne, and Miley Cryrus

Of how people have forgotten of the classics

And how people no longer write songs

But music meant for pornos


Of that kid that won’t stop moving

The one that won’t listen

The one the parents let run free

The one that might end up dead


Afraid of speeding cars and car crashes

Of dying like Stella Blue

Of dying like my grandfather

Of driving a fucking car


Of everything that passes me

How he never looks at me

Of the guy that smells like shit

That I’m the one that smells like shit


I am afraid of falling in love

Of being heart broken

That this will make me die alone


Of that old guy with the roaming eyes

Who always sits next to me

When BART is empty


But I am not afraid of dying

I am not afraid of words

Of chocolate chip cookies, and indie music

Though I am afraid of not living

And only existing


In the end, I am also afraid of you,

But it’s okay

I have an irrational fear of everything

Even me

January 24, 2011

Behind "Words"

Well it was homework for my poetry class.
See in the first class, which was today, we wrote down a list of words we love.
For our homework, we were supposed to look up the words in the dictionary, and make a poem out of what we experienced.
That is what "Words" is.

Words

I have an infatuation with words

“Aspire with foolish love or admiration”

Don’t want to look up the word “moist”

Skip it

Can’t find epeolatry

Therefore

Webster is a canker blossom

“That which blasts a blossom as a canker does”

Suddenly a feeling of euphoria

“A feeling of happiness”

Existentialist in secrecy

Nothing there

But too many words

Please not now

“A promise”

Maybe one day

Only one

Word

January 21, 2011

For that poetry class, I had to pick a poem that "excites me." I chose this poem by Jack Kerouac, because there is something about it that perfectly describes how life is. We are all bones underneath what others see, and when we die the world keeps going. Also that part where it says "Books lie" is totally accurate, in my world. It's one reason I like to write: I don't have to tell the truth. Though when I write or talk about myself I try not to censor a thing, because I am a writer and the writer's don't lie about the truth, but they do create lies and cover up the truth.
I am confusing myself.

Next week I have my poetry class, and I promise to post anything I write in that class here.

Even if it's dreadful

January 13, 2011

Suicide: A piece of nothing.

Suicide is the unlocked door into the end. It’s easy. Usually you need an RSVP to enter, but with suicide you are free to come and never go. It’s why to me it is a fantasy. Because I would love to go and see how it is behind that door. I would love to go and leave this world behind, but I never do. Not me. Not now. I’ve done nothing with my life. Nothing. I need to write a book. I need to fall in love. I need to have a sex life. To move the fuck out. To finish college. Go to France. Fuck in France. See the Mona Lisa. See a Frida. See a Warhol. See the world. See a man. Fuck a musician. Write a book. Go to Italy. Go to Rome, Venice, and Verona. Visit Juliet. Meet a celebrity. Befriend a celebrity. Fuck a celebrity. Write a book. Write a book. Write a book. So much to do, and for now I control the time. That’s suicide. A way of control, and an easy escape from what you can’t.

January 08, 2011

ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore don't go there ignore ignore i need to see ignore ignore ignore ignore i want to ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore i need you ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore don't know you ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore help ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore don't sleep ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore no more coffee ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore no more books ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore no more barnes and noble ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore no more ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore no more ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore heartbreak ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore i give up ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore

Hello

Hair too flat
Toes too long
Eyes too flappy
Heart too big.

Oh, Happy New Year.

I have no idea what I am writing. I have not slept and feel like writing.

The man with the shoe
only had one
the man with this shoe
tripped on his nose
the man with the shoe
tied with a lace
the man with this shoe
was really a shoe with a man

Heeeey.

I have been a horrible writer and have not written a single thing.
Okay, that is a dirty lie.
I have written parts of things, and edited old things.
Also you should already know about the being published thing.
I did submit my writing to this random magazine, but I got paranoid and deleted the email.
I now am regretting deleting that email.
I regret things too much.
I need to stop doing that.
It's annoying.