Summer.

My summers have never been anything exciting. They have always consisted of me doing the same things:

1. Sitting around doing nothing.
2. Reading.
3. Writing.
4. Going to Mexico.
5. And, rarely, hanging out with friends.

But this summer I am not going to let that happen. I am going to change that, no matter what. And so far I have changed that. I have been hanging out with my friends a lot more. Reading and writing a lot less, which is not a good thing. And actually going to events. I have even been trying to get a job, but I suck and no one wants to hire me. Well actually people want to hire me until they meet me. There must be something wrong with me. I don't think I am ugly? I always dress nice. I speak as well as I can. I am honest, but I just probably suck. I must suck. I know I probably do. What other reason must there be? Oh, you mean the reason that there are other people trying to get jobs, and most of these people have more experience than I will ever dream of? Do you mean that? Yeah. Maybe. But everyone keeps telling me that. I don't want to believe it. I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT I SUCK. Though I recently got a great opportunity to be a part of this wonderful art group. So I guess I don't completely suck. I am just getting more opportunities when it comes to my writing, and that is a lot more important than getting a retail job. Though I need money. I am sick of borrowing money. I am sick of using my savings account. I am just sick. Literally, at the moment, sick. There is gallons of blood gushing out of me right now. It's quite disgusting. But it's the curse of being a woman. It's a curse that people ignore talking about, but I think everyone should just talk about it. It's not that gross. It's part of life. It's part of existence. Part of the cycle of life. Without it we would not have children, and human life would life would stop. People rarely think about it that way, they just think it's gross. And it's not that gross. You know, it's just a dead baby spilling out of your vagina. Ha. It's kind of gross.

Running.

I hate running. I am not the running type. I like walking. Slowly. Really slowly. Incredibly slowly. You get the point, slowly. I also like cupcakes. Today my mother and I made cupcakes. Vanilla cupcakes with nuts and chocolate on top. Yummy stuff. I tried one, and it tasted like heaven smothered in chocolate. Yep. Smothered. As if I had gone mad and had decided to murder the cupcake. I also, recently, have been obsessed with trimming my bangs. Making them incredibly short, and straight. It's great. It's wonderful. I fucking fantastical. This weekend was a big weekend. I went to my brother's big art show, stood in awe at the height of where the paintings stood. I stood there filled of insight. Wondering the meaning of life, which is 42, and viewing each painting for not only what it was, but what it wasn't. I am imagined the paintings coming to life, and attacking me. I imagined the movement the artist portrayed. I imagined the lies that were hidden inside. I stood in awe. I stood in imagination. And there I met a guy. Yes, I did, but it turned out he was my brother's age, and therefore too old for me. I have such bad luck. I need good luck. I need a job too, but that is another place in which I am unlucky. I sat all day today awaiting a phone call. A phone call that never came. Here I sat. Here I sit, trying to cure writer's block.

maybe.rant.see.write.type.

Headaches and heat.

Heartaches and ants.

Heatwaves and glasses.

He knows nothing and she knows it all.

I am not sure what that was all about.

Took me by surprise myself.

Well today I bought two new pairs of glasses.

One = Vintage Cat Eye.

Two = Just Cute Glasses that have Cheetah Print. ><

My mom has begun to make fun of my infatuation with vintage.

I have always had this infatuation, it's only just now that I take it full on.

But I have always loved it.

My favorite movie as a kiddo was Pleasantville.

My favorite cars were those 50's cars .. in pink, along with the all time favorite; The Beetle.

I have hella homework do to be being awfully ill.

Ants have invaded my room.

I have no mercy for these ants.

So I kill them with a giant pencil.

Now that I have two new pairs of glasses I can get contacts at Macy's for free.

I will have imaginary green eyes. ;]

My parents left for church without me since I whined about homework.

I forgot my English binder, need the vocab words.

My camera is missing it's memory chip.

I am awfully worried about school.

I have anxiety problems.

I should be finishing Thursday's math homework.

I hate math.

I need to pass or it's community.

I hate the word "I".

My mom thinks I have lost faith in God.

I am just confused.

Pretzels or freaking delicious.

ya me voy.

see the beauty

walking alone

with the music booming

seeing the beauty

that surounds me

wishing to never stop this moment

wishing to walk for miles and miles

something ruins the mood

something ruins the beauty

I get over it

I get overwhelmed

by the beauty again

I feel like I am walking upon clouds

seeing the world from above

but I am just walking upon the Earth

the most beautiful thing, with some ugly spots

only the beauty overwhelms me

yet the ugly has it's days

days it wins

but those pass away

quick enough for me to forget them

or at least try

but on this walk I am lost

I am free

until I arrive at my destination

at my home

Free Write.

Sunday afternoon, burning hot, feel like a pig do to all the sweat, not because of the Swine Flu. That is truly not that big of a joke to me any more, I could care less. In a plaid skirt, with a panic shirt that oddly matches. I am hoping to go off to goodwill. I would love to ride my bike there. The thing is my bike is still not so attractive, still rusty nor do I have a lock. My parents are still over protective, not allowing me to get used to the outside world at all. They just cause me to fear the world outside of this room. I am getting to scared to even walk outside. 

I have become too private, no longer really wanting company. The weekend is my free time, no body to bother me, except my parents.  Even though a friend of mine came over yesterday, she is a good friend though, one of the best. I really have grown to love punctuation, maybe it is a part of my obsession of trying to have grammar skills. Grammar is why I fear next year, AP English, what if I do DO horrible in that class. I can not deal with that, it would be a shot in my heart. I really truly love English, it is my future, my passion. All my past teachers think I can do it, well I have not asked Ms. Clampett since she was the one that said I was not ready for Honors, actually I think she was right. I have become a better writer. I can comprehend larger book much quicker now. When I don't I just take out my giant Dictionary,  that has every word that was invented before the 70's, that is a lot of words. I know it is possibly for me to read a large amount of books in a small amount of time. I did read all of the Twilight books in about a week. [So Cliche, I know] 

Music is my phycologist, thank to it I CAN BE CALM when I want to scream. Regina Spektor is such a grand help. Grand reminds me of Catcher in the Rye since Holden thinks that word is phony. I truly love that book, even if it may have caused the death of one of my favorite musicians. Poor John.  At the moment I am truly reading Night and Catch- 22. I say truly,due to the fact that I am actually reading more books, it is just the fact those are my priorities, these are since they are for school.  I believe I am soon off to goodwill, I love that place. I will walk the long road with my mother. It is our Sunday Tradition. I hope it all works out.