=[

Hates that she has to miss school.

I hate it soo much.

Makes me want to cry.

Ogee cry for school.

I hate math.

Maybe it's just that teacher.... wish I had another.

Wish I had a teacher that would actually come up to me and ask if I need help.

I know I could never ask for help.

I could never be a burden... but now my teacher thinks I don't care... I do.. I just don't work well with numbers.

I am a word person.

A person with a love for beauty.

Art, words, music and History.

Not for numbers.

Numbers do not compute in my brain.

I need help.

I thought senior year supposed to be easy... maybe it truly is just the most difficult.

In One Year...

From this very day, I will be graduating.

I will know what University I am off to.

 Who are my true friends, and who are not.

I will know how great a writer I truly am.

 Who I truly am.

I will know that I had fun.

 Even when there was tears.

I will know so much more.

 More than I know this very day.

I will know how it is to be an adult.

 No longer will I be a child. 

On a Bad and Great Note.

I felt like writing. I think I needed too. This week has been hectic; filled of love and sadness. The week started with a good note, then a bad then a good and then better. Monday 1st-3rd period was just fine. 4th I just started entering a tunnel. First since I saw a dead baby bird just laying of the wing.  I even a poem: 

Poor Birdie

Laying there 

all alone

people walk by

it's still alone

People stop "Ha look at that"

People stop "OH! poor thing"

People stop and go on

while the poor bird is still

laying there

all alone

breathing or not

it's alone

That bird impacted my day so much. I was already wondering the big Q: Am I really a good writer? I even wrote a poem about that:

Keep It Going

siting here day by day

nothing to say but not today

head weeping

eyes dripping 

heart spilling 

class time is here

to much fear

blocking the way 

am I good 

or am I bad

may I know

no it can not be

dream of this 

dream of that

dreams in depth

please don't go

I need it true

the need of hope

but what if

I am all but good

I am just in a bad mood; one with a permanent frown. 4th was over, I tried to not think of the bird. I could not stop. The me an my friends were supposed to have a picnic, that sure did not work out. It was sprinkling, it was only water. So we had to sit at the normal picnic tables and do it there. Still turned out fine. But before that I went to Math class to see what I needed to pass. I found out I might not pass. That brought me more DOWN. The rest of the day was just DOWN. Then it really hit. I went home then got a message from a friend, a really close friend. She told me that one of my best friends was telling people that she did not think I was ready for AP English nor that I was a good writer. You know what she put in from of those insults, I guess to make them not as bad, she put "I love her BUT". I don't think that makes anything any better.  She [my good friend that told me about it] was hesitating to tell me, but she knew she had to. I broke down after that, not just because I was worried I was a bad writer, but because I was disappointed. Disappointed that a good friend of mine would be telling people that, even worse that a good friend of mine did not have enough faith in me to think I could do it. Cause I know I can do it. I do, English is my passion. It is, it truly is, I love reading and writing, I personally think I am good at it.

So the next day I was still really down. I had to take 2 finals. I passed both, one being Math, I PASSED GEOMETRY. =] After class I walked as quickly as I could, not noticing anyone I knew. I was doing my ignore walk, I am a born pro at that walk. Well I was doing this walk all the way up to e wing in my English class. I grabbed my Great Gatsby portfolio. After my teacher gave it to me, she asked if there was anything else. I said I had a question, I asked  "Am I a good writer?? ". She said yes and gave me a full description why. For example that I am very stylistic, making my writing only mine.  She even said that all my ideas were always perfect and so on. She asked why I asked and I told her the story that is above. You know the one about my friend  trying to crush my dreams. She looked heart on about this, like it hit a soft spot in her. She even asked "Are you sure she is not jealous?" personally I did not know. I said that I thought she was just being too protective over me. My teacher just made me happy all in all, a total win on moral boosts. I love English teachers because they are always this kind. She made me realize that I know I am a good writer, and I should not doubt that. If I am really going to this as my career I have to get used to let downs and bad reviews. My writing is not for everyone. So my dreams are still strong, I will never give up.

P.S.

Did you know that the friend that dissed  me never even truly read my work?

Well obviously you did not, but now you do.

HAPPY TUESDAY?

Sure let us say that.

Let us start from the very beginning.

I woke up at 6:45.

Cursed to live off the day with only 3 hours of sleep.

Due to the mind not wanting to rest.

Italian class, was fun and simple.

Geometry, I was too tired to work.

I did learn I passed my second Mastery, aka I passed the class.

Drama, was refreshing since we had a rest day.

History, only class I did actual work in.

Lunch, SANDWICH DAY, it was yum.

Chemistry, had a test, it was on the easy side.

Reminds me I have Chem Homework.

I will start very soon.

English, we saw more of The Crowd.

It was sad, the little girl died.

My naive heart hoped that she was still alive.

I just knew it was not true.

I also have homework for that class.

I have to make DISCUSSION QUESTIONS. Joy.

I got home. I had a nap. A very good nap.

I awoke all cheerful and glad at about 5.

Went to get the mail.

I actually got mail.

Mail from my dream college, California College of Arts [CCA].

It had information about the school, and told me that my catalogue was on it's way.

It made me soo happy because it means that they now know I exist.

They now know I am thinking about going there.

I really would love to go there.

The campus is amazing.

There is two, may I add.

One it SF and One in Oakland.

So I would have to live in Oakland for a year if I choose to go and live there.

I am still trying to make up my mind if I rather live and stay at home or live on a campus.

Who knows what I will pick?

Well the future will once day chat up with me and tell it all.  

The Roaring 20's.

Thursday was Hat Day, well Cat in a Hat day.

I wore a 20s inspired boilers hat.

Personally I would have no idea if it was even FROM the 20s.

Since I bought the hat at the Thrift Store. 

I can tell you it is at least 20s inspired.

I wore that all day.

Got awful hat hair.

It is the reason I left it on for so long.

I love that hat, and I am very glad I wore it.

My grades are up now, well I know my Chemistry grade is a C.

She told my mother, thank goodness to.

I still am a bit worried for math.

But I know I can do it, I just have to.

Have to.

I do.

I really think I passed the last Mastery Quiz.

Friday was interesting.

I got my best friend for part of the day.

Since her Boy Friend went off... some where.

So we got be loud and obnoxious together.

Just like old times.

Annoying the normal folk and sometimes our friends.

Weird how much of a private, shy person I am when I am alone.

My friends let me blossom.

I looooove them.

Well we had a odd rally.

I was some what amused. 

I can say I yelled for people.

The Hip Hop Crew dance just confused me.

Truly, I will never understand it.

I will stick to my music. 

Just like glue.

Then back to the 20s. 

In my 6th period English class, we saw a silent film.

It was called The Crowd.

 I liked it, it was cute and funny.

A bit sad.

I kind of would forget that no one was truly talking.

I liked it though.

I wish we finished it.

I truly do. 

=]

Who? Day

So I was School Spirited today and dressed up as Zooey Deschanel.

Obviously I was no comparison.

So today was the first day in months I did not ignore Alien, a guy I wasted my time on last year, I saw him after 5th and said Hello.

Only a Hello and a Smile.

Along with a poke.

I will not like him again, I can not.

Like I have said before, I don't want that right now.

I used to think I did.

I used to think a lot of things.

Now I think differently. 

Which a bit of the same ideas stuck in between.

I think the only way I might let my self like again is if someone wanted me.

Someone I could actually want back.

Maybe, but for now I fine alone.

I like it.

I am used to it.

I need to stop having feeling for guys I liked back in the day.

Hehe that makes me feel old that phrase, Back in the Day.

Well I have years to live.

Molto Vita! 

I have a new Dream/ Goal.

I WANT TO START A ZINE.

Yes, a Zine aka a small magazine usually about a random obsession. 

I want to start one, yet I have no idea what the random obsession would be.

My troops would be my friends and anyone artistic who wanted to help out.

At first we would make one every like semester.

That does seem reasonable, and if it goes well.

We will create more.

I want a colorful Zine.

About friends, love, school, stories, dreams and everything High School can Hold.

That could be a good name "Everything High School Can Hold".

A Zine written by kids that are most likely headed off to college.

I really think we could do this, sure I have no idea who we is YET.

I will tell my friends my magnificent plan.

I want to make it all by hand, I want it to be like a collage.

All of it a collage.

Then we could make copies of it.. somehow.

I love this idea.

I read about it in a book called "Indie Girl".

I am motivated.

I really  am.