A Melted Smirk...continued

3.

I turned back around. Refreshed, in a sense, I was no longer worried. The sky was more purple than usual. Clouds less yellow than yesterday. My hearts were pumping, slowly, but surely. I felt each pump, each bump, thump. My hearts were telling me something.

That just because there were twenty hundred versions of me spread out across the stars, doesn’t mean I am not an individual.

Just because I was based off a person (one person) that has been dead for centuries now, doesn’t mean I don’t have my own thoughts. Right?!

My name is different: E.P.4. Sylvia

That means something, doesn’t it?

The houses on this dead street were like me. Different.

 3.0

See one day in history, that no one ever told me about, but somehow I remember, there was once a writer. Famous and now dead. Long dead. They decided to create things. People. Off those so influential, they the word be a better place. Yet somehow missed something. They missed these bubblegum creatures. Small in stature. They looked like cartoons, I don’t know what a cartoon is, there is just something so animated about them. They were giggling and smiling. Things I rarely see in town. In my town grey and dull, in my town lost and sad. There was something missing and in the midst of it all there was remnants of what we lost.

In the corner of their bubblegumed house there was a tv.

-TERRORISM

+Terror

-EVERYWHERE

+These people who have mistakes in their genes are taking our

-FREEDOM

+Falling into myths of the past

-MUST BE STOPPED

+They are creating things and

-CAUSING TERROR

+They are soliciting in activities like love and procreation

-TAKING OUR DREAMS

+ Remembering what life was like before our freedom

-TAKING OUR FREEDOM

+These people must be stopped before their curiosity

-GIVES US DOOM

All I could hear was fear. The TV main purpose in everything was to keep inflicting fear in the hearts of my people. The little bubblegums laughed and sand. Nothing could bother their intense joy. Not even the stranger that was watching, judging and I.

They were worriless.

I was jealous.

The TV usually kept off in my box.

Fear inside me, because I feared I was the one they were talking about. The one causing terror.

But those bubblegums,

            They did not care.

But they,

            They were not bothered.

But I,

            Wanted what that.

But I,

            Was nothing. Nothing compared to them.

Yeah, so how has life been Blog?

My Intro to Writing and Literature class has reminded me of how I don't use this blog anymore.

I have been using my tumblr more than anything.

Almost a year with that blog, and I have 2000 followers.

I don't even know how that happened.

The thing is, I feel like they're not following me for my writing, but for the "pretty" pictures I post.

So maybe I will start using this blog again just to post the stories and poems I feel too self-conscious to post on tumblr. Maybe not. Don't feel like making up my mind yet.

Anyway CCA is great. It's really great to know that not all writers are like that douchbag from high school. You know they are not all pretentious dicks, who love to brag about the books they published, and act like they are best writers in the world. A lot of them are self-conscious like I am. They don't write perfect pieces in one sitting, and they are not pretentious dicks.

Okay, maybe a tad bit. Not so sure yet.

So far they all seem nice. Maybe a little too nice.

I really don't know. It is only the first few weeks of school.

I may never know.

Anyway, there is a Freaks and Geeks marathon on IFC. So, because I partly sick, I will watch it and do my 2D homework. Then later I will probably read, because I still have to do a lot of reading. I like reading. I like college.

Hidden

I used to think it was all over

that there was no longer a need to hover

hover over the thought of you and me

dreaming what I want to see

as things progressed I learned it as a lie

that those dreams still made me fly

I tried to hide from those facts

 blind just like flying bats 

they always came back to the surface

I always threw them back into the furnace

some how they never became ashes

the fire grew making me hide the faces

the faces that show how I truly felt 

hiding what I wanted to belt

to not say what's forbidden

I go on hidden

Prompts for College

Describe a personal hardship or barrier that you have had to overcome and explain how it has affected your education or academic performance.

Based on your life experience, describe your understanding of cultural differences, how this understanding was acquired, and how it has affected you.

Artists often work on projects that involve, reflect, or influence their community. Tell us about a project you have been involved with that has made a difference to your community.

immaturity

Gosh my friend is a true idiot.

She spoke again.

This talking about ALL the CP kids going into AP.

She supposedly said that all CP kids should just stick to CP.

I used to have so much faith in her, now I am just disappointed.

I don't care how high her classes are, she should not speak.

She does usually say the wrong thing.

I was invited to her B-Day part, not going any longer for many reasons.

One, it would be awkward.

Two, I need to baby sit.

Three, I just don't want to any more.

I have discovered she is not a true friend.

That I should no longer trust anything with her.

If she has no faith in me, then why should I in her.

Of course, I will still be her friend, but it will never be the same. 

My English teacher told me she just wants to beat her up.

I really love my English teacher.

Well I am GLAD that I am in AP, it was a long time wait.

Now I am actually ready, after so many years of thinking about it.

My dreams are closer to what ever path they will take.

If it is sad or happy, I will be okay with it in the end. 

Every thing is always better in the end. 

Sometimes. 

On a Bad and Great Note.

I felt like writing. I think I needed too. This week has been hectic; filled of love and sadness. The week started with a good note, then a bad then a good and then better. Monday 1st-3rd period was just fine. 4th I just started entering a tunnel. First since I saw a dead baby bird just laying of the wing.  I even a poem: 

Poor Birdie

Laying there 

all alone

people walk by

it's still alone

People stop "Ha look at that"

People stop "OH! poor thing"

People stop and go on

while the poor bird is still

laying there

all alone

breathing or not

it's alone

That bird impacted my day so much. I was already wondering the big Q: Am I really a good writer? I even wrote a poem about that:

Keep It Going

siting here day by day

nothing to say but not today

head weeping

eyes dripping 

heart spilling 

class time is here

to much fear

blocking the way 

am I good 

or am I bad

may I know

no it can not be

dream of this 

dream of that

dreams in depth

please don't go

I need it true

the need of hope

but what if

I am all but good

I am just in a bad mood; one with a permanent frown. 4th was over, I tried to not think of the bird. I could not stop. The me an my friends were supposed to have a picnic, that sure did not work out. It was sprinkling, it was only water. So we had to sit at the normal picnic tables and do it there. Still turned out fine. But before that I went to Math class to see what I needed to pass. I found out I might not pass. That brought me more DOWN. The rest of the day was just DOWN. Then it really hit. I went home then got a message from a friend, a really close friend. She told me that one of my best friends was telling people that she did not think I was ready for AP English nor that I was a good writer. You know what she put in from of those insults, I guess to make them not as bad, she put "I love her BUT". I don't think that makes anything any better.  She [my good friend that told me about it] was hesitating to tell me, but she knew she had to. I broke down after that, not just because I was worried I was a bad writer, but because I was disappointed. Disappointed that a good friend of mine would be telling people that, even worse that a good friend of mine did not have enough faith in me to think I could do it. Cause I know I can do it. I do, English is my passion. It is, it truly is, I love reading and writing, I personally think I am good at it.

So the next day I was still really down. I had to take 2 finals. I passed both, one being Math, I PASSED GEOMETRY. =] After class I walked as quickly as I could, not noticing anyone I knew. I was doing my ignore walk, I am a born pro at that walk. Well I was doing this walk all the way up to e wing in my English class. I grabbed my Great Gatsby portfolio. After my teacher gave it to me, she asked if there was anything else. I said I had a question, I asked  "Am I a good writer?? ". She said yes and gave me a full description why. For example that I am very stylistic, making my writing only mine.  She even said that all my ideas were always perfect and so on. She asked why I asked and I told her the story that is above. You know the one about my friend  trying to crush my dreams. She looked heart on about this, like it hit a soft spot in her. She even asked "Are you sure she is not jealous?" personally I did not know. I said that I thought she was just being too protective over me. My teacher just made me happy all in all, a total win on moral boosts. I love English teachers because they are always this kind. She made me realize that I know I am a good writer, and I should not doubt that. If I am really going to this as my career I have to get used to let downs and bad reviews. My writing is not for everyone. So my dreams are still strong, I will never give up.

P.S.

Did you know that the friend that dissed  me never even truly read my work?

Well obviously you did not, but now you do.

HAPPY TUESDAY?

Sure let us say that.

Let us start from the very beginning.

I woke up at 6:45.

Cursed to live off the day with only 3 hours of sleep.

Due to the mind not wanting to rest.

Italian class, was fun and simple.

Geometry, I was too tired to work.

I did learn I passed my second Mastery, aka I passed the class.

Drama, was refreshing since we had a rest day.

History, only class I did actual work in.

Lunch, SANDWICH DAY, it was yum.

Chemistry, had a test, it was on the easy side.

Reminds me I have Chem Homework.

I will start very soon.

English, we saw more of The Crowd.

It was sad, the little girl died.

My naive heart hoped that she was still alive.

I just knew it was not true.

I also have homework for that class.

I have to make DISCUSSION QUESTIONS. Joy.

I got home. I had a nap. A very good nap.

I awoke all cheerful and glad at about 5.

Went to get the mail.

I actually got mail.

Mail from my dream college, California College of Arts [CCA].

It had information about the school, and told me that my catalogue was on it's way.

It made me soo happy because it means that they now know I exist.

They now know I am thinking about going there.

I really would love to go there.

The campus is amazing.

There is two, may I add.

One it SF and One in Oakland.

So I would have to live in Oakland for a year if I choose to go and live there.

I am still trying to make up my mind if I rather live and stay at home or live on a campus.

Who knows what I will pick?

Well the future will once day chat up with me and tell it all.  

Respect the Editor in Chief.

Obviously since I am the creator and I guess, owner of Obsession Zine.

My head might be filling with air. 

I like it though.

I have authority, a leader.

I really do love that feeling.

So for now the crew is about five people.

1. Me the Editor in Chief.

2. Elena the Graphic Designer.

3. Irem the "artist".

4. Amanda the Photographer.

5. Rebecca the Copy Editor.

So far that is it.

We will all be entitled to a specific category or just specific obsession.

We have not talked over what exactly. 

Tomorrow there will be a mini meeting, since not all the crew will be there.

A few of us will brainstorm some more.

Outline the first issue.

Perfect it all.

Then I guess, next weekend we will have REAL meeting.

Maybe every week.

I really love this idea.

I really hope it all works out.

I really do.

I have a new Dream/ Goal.

I WANT TO START A ZINE.

Yes, a Zine aka a small magazine usually about a random obsession. 

I want to start one, yet I have no idea what the random obsession would be.

My troops would be my friends and anyone artistic who wanted to help out.

At first we would make one every like semester.

That does seem reasonable, and if it goes well.

We will create more.

I want a colorful Zine.

About friends, love, school, stories, dreams and everything High School can Hold.

That could be a good name "Everything High School Can Hold".

A Zine written by kids that are most likely headed off to college.

I really think we could do this, sure I have no idea who we is YET.

I will tell my friends my magnificent plan.

I want to make it all by hand, I want it to be like a collage.

All of it a collage.

Then we could make copies of it.. somehow.

I love this idea.

I read about it in a book called "Indie Girl".

I am motivated.

I really  am.